Some days are stone. Today is one of stone. It is one of those days thoughts and memories, good and bad, creep up on me... encompassing me... obliterating thoughts of anything else. So, I try to take my mind somewhere else. But, it's too late. Tears fill my eyes, roll down my cheeks and I am, once again, back in his world where I remain as long as I can. What country is he in today? Is he sitting quietly at some quaint little place sipping his dark, red wine... lost in myriad thoughts running marathons through his head? Is he watching his beloved soccer? Is he happy? Is he sad?
How I want my hands in his damp hair as he pushes me up against the wall kissing me hungrily! How I want his touch! How I want to listen to his soft, sexy accent whispering in my ear! How I want all of him in all of me! How I miss him!
I felt ny entire body sing each time I opened another mail from him... my heart pounding so loudly I felt anyone near me could hear it, too. Reading the words he wrote hypnotized, mesmerized... intoxicated. They gave me wings to fly, reason to breathe... made me feel so very alive and he made me believe that in an ordinary life fairy tales and dreams do come true. My feet were on the ground, but my head was in the clouds. I "felt" him unlike anyone else. No one has ever made me feel as he did... as he still does each time I think of him. There was no one like him before and I can't fathom there being anyone like him again.
Realistically, he definitely had his faults... some I subconsciously refused to acknowledge and some I completely ignored. Now, he's gone. Gone! A phrase associated with Edgar Allen Poe states, "Never more." With an aching heart, I know that to be true. I have never known a man like him before, nor have I since. I never will. He was and remains an enigma. I loved everything about him... except the empty words and broken promises. In spite of them, I still love him. I always will. He remains inside my heart, as well as inside all of me. There are no more words that can or will be said, but so very many that can and will be written.
Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I miss you dearly. And, after all this time, I still love you. I did from the moment we met and I always will.
First of all, thank you to whomever reads what I write and, a special warm Thanks to my Followers. You honor and humble me at the same time.
Over the last few years, I have written thousands of words... feelings that always originate in my heart formulating thoughts in my head of which are then transcribed into the words that appear on my monitor. Yes, I write because I love to, but very frequently, I feel overwhelmingly compelled to do so.
Most importantly, while reading anything posted on my blog, please know that they follow no chronological order. At my discretion... perhaps, reflecting my mood at the moment, an article might have been written years, months, weeks, days or even moments ago. The things I post may or may not be what I am experiencing or feeling. Likewise, they don't necessarily mirror what fills my head or heart any longer. Most of them are feelings, memories, or fleeting thoughts from another time. Every word belongs to me... documented and copyrighted. All quotes will be attributed to the author.
Being lost in my world, I am one of the loneliest persons I know... lonely because I cannot be free, lost because I cannot be found. I cannot discover, nor can I be discovered. I can love, but I cannot be loved. Although I possess more love than I have ever given, love remains deep inside. I want to love... almost as much as I want to breathe. It is quite possible I want to love more than I want to be loved.
Although, I have loved and been loved... I have been unable to touch love, to give it in totality, to have it embraced completely. I have so much to give and want so much to give it. Yet, in giving, it cannot be received with open arms or an open heart. Crying comes easy and it comes every night. The act of crying is my only outlet, However, it does little to soothe, little to assuage the loneliness... does little to compensate for not loving or being loved. There is no one to talk to... no one who wants to understand, no one who could understand for I am imprisoned in a committed relationship, one whose bonds are solely those of compassion and convenience.
Every night, I climb into my huge bed alone and lonely. If there was a choice, I would choose it. That choice would never be, nor should it have been the one I am committed to. I want to search, but have discovered that even if I find what I seek, I am not free to pursue it, nor am I free for it to pursue me. The emptiness that fills me consumes me. To love and be loved is all I want. It is all I have ever wanted. It is what I need to consume me as much as I want it to. Instead, it continues to elude, continues to slip through my fingers like quicksilver.
So, I remain lost in my world, continuing to flounder in the Sea of Lonely, in the Sea of Lovelessness... in the Sea of Emptiness. And, I swim alone and lonely... not loving and not being loved... simply crying.
It is inherent in the women I am to be confident, assertive, hot-blooded, passionate, and sensually sensuous.. Clearly feminine, the softness inside of me that is displayed on the outside can appear to be overshadowed by the strength residing within me. If I feel the need to protect my vulnerabilities, I very often allow my imperiousness to flank and guard those vulnerabilities.
Ahhh, but under the spell of my lover,my worst vulnerabilities melt away. I need a man who is confident and secure in his skin... intelligent, powerful, sensual, and very, very sexual. I want to feel pure masculinity dominate my innate femininity. There is need to feel both his power and his submission. The intensity of the fire that courses through every vein in his body must equal mine... or rise above it. I need his tenderness and compassion. his rumbling thunder, the heat of his lightning and the gentleness of his rain, as well as the tumultuous storm that rages deeply within.
Clouds of lust and desire will blanket us with the intensity of a wildfire. Wrapped in passion, his skin becomes my skin ... his breath becomes the air I breathe. He will not escape all he feels, nor can he escape all he senses emanating from \every pore in my body. He won't want to. Everything I am, all I can be and all I will be with him will be everything he has ever dreamed of, hoped for... all he's ever wanted. He will be all i will ever need. Finally, we will belong.
Love, faith, desire, trust, honesty, loyalty and respect will prevail because there will no longer be the need to seek those attributes in others. In one another, we will have it all. He will be my man. I will be his woman. I will try to not disappoint and never bore him. My only expectation is that he does the same.
A fairy tale or a dream come true? We both believe it has to be the latter!
When you love someone to whom you can never belong, there is danger in the potential for self-inflicted emotional destruction. When you love in reciprocity... when that love must be experienced in a mostly virtual environment, the potential is raised to dangerous levels.
Danger in the form of living life, loving life in virtuosity, although you are committed to a relationship formed long ago. Danger because all you want and need has been discovered in someone who awaits your mail, your phone call... another visit. Your committed relationship holds no excitement, no passion, nothing to make your heart race or to set your body on fire.
Danger because you cannot touch as often as you want, as you need, for any length of time... if at all and, danger in feeling the need to escape the world in which you are forced to live. For too long, you have not loved the one you're with, if ever, but it bears no relevance for you cannot have the one you want. You are never alone, but you walk through your world enshrouded in a cloud of loneliness... dreaming, hoping,wishing and, waiting for that other world to touch you, While breathless with the anticipation and thrill of enveloping yourself in all it is, there is sadness and heartache in knowing you will never be able to embrace all it could be.