Being lost in my world, I am one of the loneliest persons I know... lonely because I cannot be free, lost because I cannot be found. I cannot discover, nor can I be discovered. I can love, but I cannot be loved. Although I possess more love than I have ever given, love remains deep inside. I want to love... almost as much as I want to breathe. It is quite possible I want to love more than I want to be loved.
Although, I have loved and been loved... I have been unable to touch love, to give it in totality, to have it embraced completely. I have so much to give and want so much to give it. Yet, in giving, it cannot be received with open arms or an open heart. Crying comes easy and it comes every night. The act of crying is my only outlet, However, it does little to soothe, little to assuage the loneliness... does little to compensate for not loving or being loved. There is no one to talk to... no one who wants to understand, no one who could understand for I am imprisoned in a committed relationship, one whose bonds are solely those of compassion and convenience.
Every night, I climb into my huge bed alone and lonely. If there was a choice, I would choose it. That choice would never be, nor should it have been the one I am committed to. I want to search, but have discovered that even if I find what I seek, I am not free to pursue it, nor am I free for it to pursue me. The emptiness that fills me consumes me. To love and be loved is all I want. It is all I have ever wanted. It is what I need to consume me as much as I want it to. Instead, it continues to elude, continues to slip through my fingers like quicksilver.
So, I remain lost in my world, continuing to flounder in the Sea of Lonely, in the Sea of Lovelessness... in the Sea of Emptiness. And, I swim alone and lonely... not loving and not being loved... simply crying.